​In her book What Are You Waiting For, author Dannah Gresh addresses many of the difficult questions that teen girls and young adults have about sexuality, including the most significant question: Why should we wait until we are married to have sex? This question is addressed by exploring the meaning of the word that the Old Testament uses to talk about sex – yada. This word describes a deep and intimate knowing that not only is used to a married couple having sex, but also the deep knowing and trust that God wants to have with us. Seeing sexuality through this lens helps us to see God’s plan in a new light and illustrates the problem with doing things our own way. She then dives deep into the questions that many want answers to but most are afraid to ask when it comes to what is appropriate with our sexuality and how to repent and start over if you recognize that you have fallen short of God’s plan for your sexuality. It goes deeper and is intentional about addressing many girls’ questions about sexuality while remaining grounded in Scripture. It even gives biblical guidelines for qualities you can look for in a man who honors Him. 

However, this book does have a few minor problems. This book was released toward the end of the purity movement and it does share a few of the same problems as many of the books that were part of that movement. In Dannah’s attempts to be honest and blunt, her wording and methods for resolution have the potential to cause guilt or shame for anyone who has struggled with sexual sin. Even the title indicates that you should be a virgin when you get married, which was one of the purity movement’s most faulty goals. As she has done in several of her books, she defines sin as “to miss the mark” and uses an archer’s target to illustrate that anything that doesn’t hit the bullseye on the target is sin. While I agree with the premise of this definition, it can come across as legalistic when you start pairing it with man-made methods of how to walk away from sin, which can lead to guilt and shame. As Christians, we have to be careful about the way that we define sin and make sure that we carefully explain God’s ability to redeem our sins for His glory so they can feel free to come into the light.
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Secondly, this book encourages young women to find a godly older woman to confess their sins to and hold them accountable so that they can overcome their sins. This method was a common remedy of the purity movement and is largely based on common misconceptions about confessing our sins to others as it’s encouraged in James 5:16. That verses says that we should confess to one another and pray for each other, not to confess and then rely on them to help you get out of your sin. In my opinion, seeking an accountability mentor should not be a catch-all solution to overcoming sin, especially sexual sin.

Please understand that I am not saying that younger women shouldn’t learn and be taught by older godly women. Titus 2 encourages older women to teach younger women and I am not trying to discredit that. I also understand that when sin becomes any sort of addiction, a person probably will need outside help to overcome it, such as programs, support groups, or counseling. What I’m trying to communicate is that the Bible doesn’t talk about mentorship the way it is described in most Christian circles today (when a younger and older person meet for coffee once a week while the mentor does a colonoscopy on the young person’s personal life). Asking another sinner to hold you accountable in many cases diminishes the power of self-discipline (or self-control) God had already given to each one of us (2 Timothy 1:7). If you want to stop any sin, you have to be fully convinced in your own mind that it is a sin that you want to leave behind and never return. Once you have determined to walk away from your sins, then you can confess your sins to someone you trust, not to tattle tale on yourself out of guilt, but to give you other Christians in your corner praying with you through the battle.
Lastly, there were some assumptions made about a few of the specific sins addressed that were clearly assumptions that could not have been backed by readers, especially in Chapter 10 (which I am avoiding mentioning by name for the sake of younger readers).

Aside from these issues, this is a good book that could be a good tool for helping teen girls and young adults develop a biblically grounded view of sexuality. If this appeals to you, it’s worth checking out.

​I read this book when I was 16 years old. We read it as part of a girls' Bible study for my youth group and met in a meeting room at our local ice cream shop. While in some ways I have fond memories from this study, I also have some negative memories, including seeing where some of the girls that were in the study with me ended up as far as their purity journey and how some laughter happened at my expense when I was too innocent to know what some of the words meant. I do believe this book was a significant part of my personal journey because of what I learned about sexual purity, I see some weaknesses in their arguments that may have negatively impacted my views on sexual purity. So I want to take another opportunity to evaluate a popular book of the purity movement to weigh its pros and cons, so we know how to better serve the next generation when it comes to teaching them sexual purity ~ Bethel

​In the book, Every Young Woman’s Battle, Shannon Ethridge (and Stephen Arterburn) helps young women learn how to guard their hearts, minds, and bodies while living in a world that is saturated with unbiblical expressions of sexuality. It starts out by helping young women understand that the battle for sexual purity begins in our hearts and minds by affirming God’s design and explaining what it means to build lives of “sexual integrity” while also avoiding the pitfalls of the way the culture openly defines sexuality. It equips young women with tools that will help them guard their hearts, minds, and bodies, as well as navigate their way to adulthood and possibly future marriage all while drawing closer to God. This book doesn’t shy away from the hard-to-discuss issues, even going so far as to define most sexual terms in the footnotes and having an appendix for young women who may be struggling with same-sex attraction. The most recent editions of this book also include a workbook that can be used for group or individual study. In some ways, I appreciate how straightforward this book was in defining or explaining concepts I didn’t understand or wanted to ask out loud at that age. I also appreciated how it acknowledged that sexual purity and lust are not exclusively guy problems, so they wrote materials to address those struggles from a female point of view. Overall, this was one the best books overall that I read during the purity movement and I think there is still a lot of useful information in it.

However, there are a few problems I see in their methods or reasoning. First, the idea that the reason we should avoid dressing immodestly or inappropriate flirting is to keep our brothers from stumbling is more hurtful than helpful. While avoiding immodest dress or sexual flirting is helpful for our brothers in Christ, it should not be our primary motivation. Our motivation is to obey and honor Christ in our words and actions. Modesty is simply an attitude of humility in the way that you present yourself that defers attention away from yourself and your body and instead brings attention to God or to serve others. We need to make sure that young women understand that they are only responsible for their actions unless they intentionally draw someone else into sin by their actions. We also need to remember that immodesty isn’t just a girl's problem, much in the same way as lust isn’t just a guy's problem. Guys and girls both have the same responsibilities: to avoid creating temptation while also avoiding falling into temptation.
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Second, this book gets pretty heavy into rule-setting, which sets up the legalistic mentality of “how far is too far” becoming the standard, all the while making those who have struggled with sexual sin feel like they are a lost cause because of the high emphasis on virginity. While a husband and wife being virgins and sexually pure on their wedding night is the most optimal way for God’s design to be enjoyed, we need to make sure that young women (and young men) understand that losing your virginity before marriage is not an unforgivable sin, nor is any other form of sexual immorality. God can redeem anything in His time for His glory, including our sexual sins, if we live in genuine repentance from those sins. We need to make sure that young people understand the significance of repentance and accepting God’s grace so they are truly able to move on when they mess up.

Lastly, while I know their intentions were genuine, I am somewhat critical of the appendix for young women struggling with attraction toward the same sex. This is because I had a friend who read the information while struggling but was not helped by it. While I do believe the biblical premise is solid, you have to make sure they are committed to Christ for that logic to work. Without the saving grace of Christ to motivate them, God’s design or intentions for our sexuality will not matter to them. After they have committed to Christ, they need to have a godly sorrow that leads to repentance rather than a worldly sorrow that makes them confess their struggle out of guilt. That repentance then will lead to a spirit of self-discipline that will lead to a mental transformation that can redirect those desires. While the “confess your sins and get a mentor” method could be a part of this equation (as it could be for almost any other sin), I think that an overreliance on this method for overcoming sins can tend to diminish the crucial elements of genuine repentance, God’s redemptive grace at work, and the spirit of self-discipline that God has given each one of us to aid in the transformation.

While these elements of the book are not helpful, I still think this book was one of the most useful books of the purity movement and could be a great starting point for conversations about sexual purity. I would recommend it for those 15 or older. 

The topic of boundaries is largely underappreciated or misunderstood in our world today. This is because many of us struggle to understand that we only have the capacity to handle so much emotionally, and that if we don’t set boundaries, people can and will exhaust our emotional resources until we have nothing left for ourselves. Unfortunately, this seems to be an even greatest struggle for some Christians, who have bought into the lie that setting boundaries is unbiblical. This often leads to “boundaries bullying” where someone wants to insist that they have unlimited access to you, even quoting misinterpreted Scriptures to prove their point. This puts us in a difficult position of having to choose between maintaining that relationship and our emotional well-being. It makes us ask the question: is there a way for us to love others without losing the best of ourselves?

In her new book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, bestselling author Lysa TerKeurst helps her readers develop a biblically-grounded view of setting boundaries and walking away from unhealthy relationships. Through her own story of struggles in her marriage and some friendships, she walks alongside her audience in the process of learning how to love others without losing themselves. After many years of counseling and intense theological study, Lysa learned that boundaries are a biblical idea, going back to the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve first sinned, and that we have to know ourselves well enough to know our own emotional capacity so we can set boundaries to prevent someone from taking away our emotional capacity. She gives five key factors to remember when setting boundaries as well as insights into Scriptures that are misinterpreted to call boundaries into question. She also gives tools to help you determine when a relationship has become destructive enough that it’s time to walk away and advice on how to make peace when it’s time to say goodbye, whether the separation is for a time or is permanent. There is also practical advice at the end of most of the chapter from Lysa’s counselor Jim Cress with more tools on your journey to understanding boundaries. This book is very honest and practical as it speaks from Lysa’s hard-earned wisdom on a difficult topic. The biblical ideas and tools here are essential concepts for Christian women who desire to maintain both relational and emotional health. This is a book I highly recommend. 

* I received an advanced copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of this review

​In her book And the Bride Wore White, Dannah Gresh helps teen girls break down lies that many of us believe about sexuality and reveals seven “secrets” for living a life of sexuality purity. Through understanding these lies and presenting these keys to pursuing purity, Gresh is able to offer foundation truths about the way that God designed sex. The updated edition includes additional information on understanding purity, “celebration stories” of young women successes or redeemed failures in their pursuit of purity, and some letters directly at readers with specific struggles. While this book does have some great content and biblical truth, it falls into some of the pit falls of many of the teachings of the purity movement of the 90’s/2000’s. This book does a great job of helping readers understand that sex is a beautiful gift from God that we should wait until the right time and place to use. It also does a great job at addressing lies many of us believe about sex and offering practical tips to help readers live in purity. One of my favorite parts is its emphasis on purity embracing the wise guidance of parents, grandparents, and mentors, since that is something that many young people struggle to do. Overall, it has some great insights to help young women pursue sexual purity.

However, this book does have some issues. One of the “secrets” she suggest to achieve purity is to envision a godly husband, even suggesting that you should write down in a journal a description of your future husband. While I believe a young woman should figure out the qualities he wants in a future husband, the way that she suggests doing the exercise implies that you should even write down exactly how you expect him to look. Doing this exercise as a teen fueled different lies than addressed in the book. First, God often surprises us by doing things in His time and His way. It often doesn’t match up with what we picture for ourselves, especially when we get caught up in trivial details like his eye color or favorite movie. We aren’t even guaranteed a husband. We should instead be teaching young women to look at young men for their godly characteristics, like how responsible they are with money or how they treat their family.

This book also tends to struggle with leaving those who have failed in their pursuit of purity feeling like unforgivable because of the high emphasis on virginity. We need to make sure that young women understand that premarital sex, other types of sexual immorality, and abortion are not unforgiveable sins that make you “damaged goods.” Instead, if you do the work of repentance in those areas, they can can become scars that God can redeem for His glory and even turn into your greatest ministry to help others. One of the reasons young women struggle with confessing sexual sin is because there is so much shame associated with other people know their struggles. They will be more likely to open up about their struggles if we help them understand that redemption is their sexual past is possible.

I am grateful for what I learned from this book as a teen, and believe that even though some of the content has flaws, it could still have value for teens today, especially as a way to introduce purity to older pre-teen girls. Get your copy today.

Living our lives in light of the truth can sometimes be messy. This is because we live in a world that at best undervalues the truth and at worst is dismissive of any form of objective truth. This can make it difficult for those that embrace truth to build community with those that only embrace truth subjectively. This principle is proven true when observing the LGBTQ community and its activists. Finding ways to walk the tightrope of balancing grace and truth for Christians towards these individuals is a journey that too few Christians and churches have embarked upon and those that do are often left with more questions than answers. It makes us ask the question: how do we build influence and an inclusive community without sacrificing our convictions?

​In his book Messy Truth, Caleb Kaltenbach walks through ways in which Christians and church leaders can build inclusive communities without sacrificing theological convictions. Speaking from experience of years of pastoral work, Kaltenbach acknowledges the difficulties of balancing grace and truth and concludes that it is necessary to build the community and influence we need to reach those that need Christ’s love. We are reminded that more than our stances on the biblical definition of marriage or any other theological convictions, we need to see everything we meet those the lens of value they have as an image-bearer of God that Christ died to redeem, and that knowing their value should dictate how we treat them. We learn that we need to be willing to surrender all of our convictions and personal views to align with Christ, even if we disagree with Him. With these principles as the foundation, we can start using our influence to make our churches into places where the people we disagree with belong by acknowledging their experiences and learning to empathize with them. This will put you in the best position to walk alongside those who may be walking away from sinful choices or to confront them in a God-honoring way. The principles on how to prepare for and facilitate discussions are insightful and practical, regardless of the type of difficult conversation you are facing. This book needs to become a significant part of the conversation on how to unify churches when people disagree, not just about LGBTQ issues, but about any issue that has the potential to divide us. I was encouraged, impacted, and challenged by this book, and I believe you will be too. Get your copy today!

To read my review of Caleb’s first book, Messy Grace, click here.

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